"Politically Correct Christianity"

"Politically Correct Christianity" deals with the subject of....well...figure it out!
Have 5 chairs set on the stage...one in the center and two on each side--diagonally. The four panelists are seated.

Play Tape: Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Jew, Confused.....No matter who or what you are...no matter what you THINK you believe.....no matter what side of the fence you're perched on this week, this is the time, this is the place for America's most loved, most controversial, most talked about talk show.....a full hour of confusion and contradiction....Politically Correct Christianity!! Now, here's the host of PCC, the man America hates to love.....Bobby "The Iceman" Mayor! (Bobby walks out, waves and stands behind his center chair.)

Bobby: Thank you and welcome. Tonight's show has the potential of being one of our best shows ever. You might want to put all our little younger friends to bed now, as there will be possible bloodshed...if we're lucky! But first, let's meet tonight's distinguished panel of experts. From the First Church of What's Happenin' Now, the man who recently set himself on fire during a sermon about "the alleged" place of torment called Hell, please welcome, Reverend William "Dollar Bill" Cadillac. (DOLLAR BILL SMILES & WAVES). Next, from The Fridgidair Memorial Congregation, a REAL party machine, the man who holds the Guinness Book world record for not smiling---five years and counting....please give a warm PCC welcome to Dr. Stephen Van Halen! And, from that world famous, mega rock & roll band, Twisted Scriptures, the man who once insulted the Pope, the nation of Israel and Rev. Billy Graham....all in one sentence...the lead singer of TS....Johnny Milestone! (He is slouched down in his chair....looks like a typical stoned rock star. He hears his name and flinches.) My final guest is sitting in for the absent..Guru of the Temple of Spiritual Bliss, Ravi Shamari Kalamari.....apparently, the Guru has been arrested on fraud, embezzlement and racketeering charges and can't be with us. So...please welcome 17 year old Jenny Glass. (She smiles shyly. Bobby sits down in his chair.) Tonight we'll be hearing some of our panel's innermost thoughts concerning a few very sticky issues. But first, let's talk briefly with each of our panelists. (The actors can improvise a little with the host.) Dollar Bill Cadillac, how's that new church project?

Dollar Bill: (In a real "TV Evangelist" voice.) First Bobby, let me say this to all my partners out there...Uh, never mind...none of my Godly partners would be watching this evil show anyway! (Bobby acts stunned.) I just want to go on record on national TV by saying that I did not intentionally set myself on fire...it was not a publicity stunt to draw national attention to our building project or my new book, "How To Be Really Rich And Still APPEAR Holy", available at your local Christian Bookstore.....it was just an insurable accident!

Bobby: How DO you do that? Preach, Promote & Perjure yourself...all in one breath!

Dollar Bill: (Acting proud.) It's a gift, Bobby!

Bobby: And I thought I'd heard it all! OK! Dr. Van Halen...any words of wisdom for our viewers?

Dr. Van Halen: (Acts very cold & stoic.) First let me say that the report about my Guinness world record is entirely false & I resent it being recounted in that manner. The actual time frame of my spiritually initiated frowning campaign is approximately fifteen years...not five years. It was mistakenly reported, by a disgruntled ex-parishioner of mine that I had inadvertedly smiled while watching a news report about some rap star being arrested and jailed on murder charges. (He almost smiles, but quickly puts his hand over his mouth.) Nothing could be further from the truth....I don't even own a TV!

Bobby: (Makes a real funny, screwy face at the Dr.--he doesn't smile.) NOTHING! You truly are amazing! We've come to the radical edge of our show. Let's take a walk on the wild side & say hi to Johnny Milestone.

Johnny: (Still slouched in his chair. Bobby kicks him--he puts his head up.) Rock 'n Roll! (Back to sleep.)

Bobby: Thank you, Johnny! Finally, 17 year old Jenny Glass. Are you excited to be here, Jenny?

Jenny: (Shyly) No....I'm not as smart and famous as the other panelists.

Bobby: (Laughs.) No, you're not, Jenny! But that's OK, we'll help you make it through & maybe someday you'll be sitting in one of THEIR seats--a mega star!

Jenny: (Speaking loudly, but to herself) I hope not!

Bobby: (Speaking to the audience.) Let's give a big PCC welcome to our distinguished panel of guests! Our first question is from Twila Martin, of Columbus, Ohio. Twila asks, "My mom was just diagnosed with a broken leg. I'm not sure what to think about it all, and still be spiritually correct. Please help!" WOW! Now there's a hot topic to start off with. Dollar Bill, what can you say to help out our young viewer today?

Dollar Bill: Twila, you must learn to do what I teach in my church....say to yourself, "I see NO broken leg. The doctor's report is a lie and there is NO broken leg!" You see, if you deny the existence of that evil, it will in fact disappear and you will be victorious! (Pounding his fist.) DENY...DENY....DENY!

Dr. Van Halen: Excuse me...I would like to take exception to my esteemed colleague's remarks. At the Fridgidair Church we do actually SEE the existence of the broken leg....in fact, I believe it is God's will for her life to HAVE a broken leg. Maybe she's lived in sin for many years, or harbored some horrendous wrong against a neighbor...she must PAY for her wrong doing.....the broken leg is an outward manifestation of her inward sin. We can still pray for God's will to be executed in her life. It is certainly not our place to pray for her healing!

Bobby: (Talking to audience) Ladies & Gentlemen...it doesn't get any better than this!

Jenny: (Outloud but to herself) It sure can't get any worse!

Bobby: Let's move on now and get our final two panelists' remarks. Johnny?!

Johnny: (He woke up a few minutes ago) Uh...I think she should just take an aspirin, man and lighten up.

Bobby: That's why we love you here on Politically Correct Christianity, Johnny. Jenny?

Jenny: Like I said before..I'm not as smart and famous as the other panelists. (They act proud of themselves.) All I know is that the Bible says that if someone is sick or hurt that we're supposed to pray for them, BELIEVING for them to get better. I say, put the leg in a cast and pray! It's not that complicated.

Bobby: Whoa....a little too black & white for such a gray issue, don't you think, Jenny? Ok, let's move on to our next letter. This one is from Robert in New York. Robert says, "I love your show. I watch it all the time. My friend and I are having an argument. I say that it's more Godly to be poor and live in poverty and my friend says that it's better to be rich, so you can impress God. Which one of us is right?

Dr. Van Halen: I'd like to answer the young man. Robert, you are absolutely correct. Jesus lived a lowly life and we must live as low lifes also. He said that it is easier for a rich man to go through the eye of a needle than to make it into heaven. Money is the devil's tool and the root of all evil. Rejoice in your poverty!

Dollar Bill: Now hold on just a minute, sir. We are the head and not the tail. The top, not the bottom. We are kings and princes, not paupers! It is the job of every believer to be filthy rich....as a testimony to God's riches. If you're not rich, it's because you don't believe hard enough. If you sit down right now and right out a nice fat check to my ministry...you WILL begin to prosper and become rich! Positive + Positive= Prosperity!

Bobby: And now, once again, we hear from Master of Eternal Knowledge...Johnny Milestone...

Johnny: All I know, man, is that money...it makes you rich...which gets you chicks...which makes you happy. So, I would have to say that money-good.....poverty-bad. (Acts real rock 'n roll proud of himself.)

Bobby: The always, silver-tongued, Johnny Milestone. Jenny, do have anything valid to add to all of this?

Jenny: All I know is that if you love God you are called to be a giver.....of your time, your talents and your money. The more you GIVE, the more you'll bless God and others. Then, God promises to bless us back. You know, you can't outgive God. But you have to do it with a pure heart...not to get something or to prove something. You people are supposed to be so smart. So far the smartest thing I've heard today has been from Johnny Milestone. He's wrong, but at least he's sincere! Oh, Dr. Van Halen, the scripture verse says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil...not money. Bobby, I'm out of here. I can't take this anymore. (She gets up and walks off the stage. Bobby acts flustered while the two preachers are upset.)

Johnny: (Shouts to Jenny as she leaves) "Right on, little sister".

Bobby: Well, it looks like we're all out of time for today. I'd like to thank my remaining guests for their contribution into this most memorable show. Remember, it's better to be wrong than to have NO opinion at all. Good night everybody! (He waves to audience, then shakes hands with each panelist.)


Play Tape: Join us tomorrow night as Bobby welcomes his special guest panelists....Madonna, Rush Limbaugh, Mike Tyson and Senator Packwood as they discuss the hot topic of teenage dating philosophies. Thank you for watching "Politically Correct Christianity". Until next time, this is Willy Williams for MTV productions....good night everybody!



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