Swami Salami
Play Twilight Zone opening audio tape (Swami sitting on big chair in front of
a flower store.
Skit opens with Swami talking with store owner) He has a large red dot on his
forehead.
The Swami speaks with a real "guru" type voice--like he was truly from India
or Pakistan.
Store Owner: Now, listen Swami. I don't want any of your wacko guru stuff.
You're here to promote our new
flower...the Reincarnation Carnation. Just sell the flowers and keep your
mouth shut! Got it?
Swami: (Bows up & down) No problem, oh great & powerful capitalistic
mastermind! (owner walks away--when he
is off stage, Swami yells) May ROSANNE marry your first born son! (Picks up a
flower and gets ready to sell) Get
your Reincarnation Carnation... .red hot, Reincarnation Carnations.. ..newest
craze in all America! Reincarnation
Carnation, lady? (Offers flower to her as she walks by)
Woman #1: (She shakes her head no) It's all just a fad--get a real job! (She
walks offstage)
Swami: Tank you very much. May Oprah fall out of a plane and land on your
Hundai! Hey, get your Reincarnation
Carnation here....just in time for the holidays. The perfect gift for the
person who doesn't want anything. (A lady comes
up and buys one from him;) OH! Tank you, gorgeous American housewife! May Ed
McMahon have favor on you!
(Swami stands up and stretches and then starts singing, "Stayin' alive,
stayin' alive, oh, oh, oh, oh, stayin' ALIVE". He
also does the John Travolta disco, pointing, dance thing as he sings! He sees
a group of kids coming towards him and
stops and sits back down again) Reincarnation Carnation--the newest thing from
MTV! (the kids stop & come over)
Kid #1: Hey, mister. Didn't I see you on 20/20, for selling those phony red
dots as religious artifacts?
Salami: Oh no, young pimple person. You confuse me with my 2nd cousin on my
father's side, Swami Bologna.
I would NEVER do what he did! (His voice changes to a real straight, hard guy
voice) I woulda charged twice as much!
Kid #2: What?
Salami: (Guru voice again) Oh, nothing my little pinheads. Now, would you like
To buy a Reincarnation Carnation?
Kid #2: Not so fast' Swami! What's so special about these flowers? They look
like regular old carnations to me!
Salami: This is where you are mistaken, oh young harborer of hormones. The
Reincarnation Carnation explodes with
life, tranquillity, hope, love, peace, healing...but most of all....It's hip to
have one! Please don't bust my proverbial
chops....I'm trying to make a living! (Says angrily, but then gives a fake
smile)
Kid #3: Hey, if you're so smart and spiritual....do YOU believe in life after
death?
Salami: (Chuckles) Oh yes, my ignorant little mall rats. The existence of man
would not be complete without his final
journey....his death! We do not know the TRUE meaning of life, until we
experience total annihilation. Then, according
to the amount of love that we had, and the amount of religious artifacts that
we moved off the shelves into the hands of
the materialistic American people, we return as a lesser form of life.. to
bring beauty, harmony and tranquillity to man!
Kid #4: You ACTUALLY believe that bunch of crap? You musta done too much acid
in the 60's, man!
Swami: Not so, grasshopper! I have proof! At this very moment, my
brother-in-law, Swami Bob, is in a bottle on my
back porch, just waiting to pop Out of his cocoon as a beautiful butterfly!
(Starts crying) Life...it's so beautiful! Now,
do you wanna buy a Reincarnation Carnation or not? (He says this is that tough
guy voice again)
Kid #1: OK, FREEZE, Salami breath! (Flashes badge) LAPD) you're under arrest
for selling stupid, worthless
merchandise, for worst dresser of the year, you're an illegal alien--from what
planet, I don't know, and most of all,
because of that horrible Swami accent. (As he's saying this, someone else is
handcuffing and frisking him) Besides,
every kid that's ever been to Sunday School knows that there's only two things
that can happen to you after you die.
You either go to heaven or hell....depending on WHO you served during your
lifetime--more important--if you've ever
accepted Jesus into your life as your savior.. Book 'em Draino!
Swami: (As he's being carried off) Wait! Wait! I'll convert-I'll become a
priest, a nun, a Baptist minister! Anything,
just don't put me in jail! I'm too much of a whimp to go to jail! I
BELIEVE---I BELIEVE! Here, take my dot!
Kid #1: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be
used against you in a court of law
(Closing Audio Spot)
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